April Mop dan 10 Bulan yang Lalu

i love you.

tidak perlu banyak kata. dulu, sekarang, dan seterusnya. itu saja.
ini serius. percayalah.

31 Agustus 2011

Ingin rasanya kembali ke hari itu, ke malam itu. Hari yang selama hampir sepanjang tahun selalu kutunggu, hari di mana hanya ada kamu, pahitnya kopi, dan manisnya obrolan yang menyempurnakan langit malam. Hari itu aku, masih berambut hampir sepinggang, kamu dengan baju merah kesayanganmu, dan percakapan yang sampai hari ini belum ada akhirnya. Semua kita tuangkan bersama, mulai dari obrolan konyol seputar gang Doli, perkebunan kopi, hingga masa lalu kita yang sebenarnya agak canggung kudendangkan, tetapi ingin kudengar lantunannya darimu.

Bagaimana mata kita? Oh, mereka bertatapan, meski sekali pandanganmu berpindah ke kumpulan perempuan cantik mengenakan hak tinggi yang mengundang komentarmu, “Mengapa mereka harus menyiksa diri seperti itu?”, yang hanya kutanggapi dengan senyuman karena aku tidak mampu berpenampilan seperti mereka tetapi dalam hati bersyukur, semoga ini yang membuatku berbeda di matamu. Dan baumu! Saya tidak tahu pasti itu parfum apa, baunya tersamarkan bau rokokmu dan sweatermu yang kamu pakai saat mengantarku pulang, tapi telah menggelitik hidungku, mengantarnya hingga ke kepala, menyimpannya di memori, menjadikannya kenangan.

Malam itu, aku jatuh hati padamu. Saat di mana aku bukan milik siapa-siapa, begitu pun kamu dan masa lalumu. Tidak ada janji yang terucap, tapi di dalam hati aku berkata semoga denganmu semua luka bisa terobati, memulainya dari awal lagi, sembari berharap ini yang terakhir.

Dan bagaimana kita hari ini? Ah, ternyata berbeda. Kamu kembali dengan dunia lamamu, dengan kebebasanmu. Dan aku, aku kini milik orang lain. Janji itu ternyata bukan untukmu. Terkadang menyatukan hati tidak semudah menyatukan pikiran. Inilah kita hari ini, berdansa dengan cangkir dan lini masa, sendiri-sendiri. Mungkin hari seperti ini tidak akan pernah hadir kembali, dilebur waktu dan kenangan yang mungkin akan dilupakan.

                                                                     

Dan malam ini, aku kembali teringat. Tentang kamu, dan hari itu. Akankah kita duduk bersama lagi, bersama kopi, rambutku yang kini pendek, dan kemejamu yang menggantikan sweater dan kaos itu? Ah ya, obrolan kita bahkan belum tuntas. Masih banyak, dan semakin banyak hal yang ingin kubagi denganmu, juga lantunan impian yang selalu ingin kudengar darimu. Intinya, aku rindu kamu.

So let’s go offline, set the date and chat. Finish the stories. Will you?

Gerhana

Bulan dan matahari adalah sepasang kekasih, yang hanya bisa bersenggama ketika gerhana.
Bulan dan matahari menderita. Mereka tak pernah satu waktu. Itulah mengapa mereka mencintai gerhana.
Mereka selalu menunggu konspirasi waktu, untuk lalu berpisah berlawanan arah.

Demi bumi mereka mengitari.
Karena bumi, bulan dan matahari terhalangi.

Kau tahu apa yang bulan tinggalkan untuk matahari? Ia meninggalkan kecupan lewat embun pada fajar, tangan matahari yang berusaha mengangkat diri di ufuk cakrawala.
Sebagai gantinya, matahari menitipkan cahyanya pada milyaran bintang, untuk menemani malamnya.

Itulah cinta, tanpa bosan mereka lakukan berulang-ulang.
Embun dan bintang, pesan cinta yang tersebar ke penjuru semesta.
Demi bulan, embun, bintang dan matahari. Aku pun sedang menunggu gerhana, denganmu, tanpa akan terpisah lagi.

Denganmu, kita ciptakan gerhana sendiri,
menunggu pesan cinta yang kau titipkan pada semesta.

Akan Ada Hari

Akan ada hari dimana aku menantimu di balik pintu.

Menjaga hangatnya kopimu, menunggu diseruput lelahmu.

Akan ada hari dimana kugelar sajadahku dan sajadahmu.

Kita bersujud dalam sepenggal waktu, berulang kali.

Akan ada hari dimana seluruh doa yang terucap dari bibirmu.

Kuamini juga dalam hati, satu shaf di belakangmu.

Akan ada hari kusiapkan sahurmu, dengan senang hati.

Dan menanti berbuka sembari mengukir senja.

Akan ada hari, kaudengungkan adzan di balik daun telinga sosok yang mungil,

yang mewarisi sebagian parasmu, dan sebagian tingkahku.

Akan ada hari, kita melihat nisan. Dan memesan sepetak lahan, berdampingan.

Untuk nanti, ketika esok tak ada lagi.

Akan ada hari, entah kau, atau aku yang merana. Karena salah satu dari kita akan pergi lebih dulu. Meninggalkan dunia, melepaskan fana.

Buat 'anak gunung' yang sekarang lagi mendaki Semeru, well good luck ya. Semoga impian kamu mendaki puncak tertinggi di Pulau Jawa bisa terwujud. Titip doa untuk inspirator kita om Soe Hok Gie. I'll be there someday, tapi untuk saat ini biarlah saya konsen dulu dengan plan saya ke Togian, hehehe.. Sampai ketemu lagi hari Selasa. Gonna miss you, for sure..

The Best Relationship

The best relationship is when you two can act like lovers and best friends. It's when you have more playfiul moments than serious moments. It's when you can joke around, let each other have piggy banks, have unexpected hugs and random kisses. It's when you two give each other that specific stare and just smile. It's when you'll rather stay in to watch movies, eat junk food and cuddle, than go out all the time. It's when you'll stay up all night just to settle your arguments and problems. It's when you can completely act yourself and they can still love you for who you are.

This Boy

This boy. I knew him one month ago then suddenly become close each other. Both of us really like traveling, something which become our dream to travel around the world, something makes us never lost the topic to talk about.

This boy. Loves climbing the mountain. He dreams to climb 7 summits in Indonesia, like me want to dive 7 seas in Indonesia. He can’t stop to talk about Semeru and Rinjani while I always think about Togian and Raja Ampat. But it inspired me to try climbing someday.

This boy. Likes reading Manga and listening Japanese song. I don’t know anything about that topic, you better ask me about war movie or Bossanova and Jazz. But both of us love adventure movie and 90’s song. He can play guitar, maybe I can sing for him.

This boy. Wants to go to China, Korea, and Japan. But I want to visit Thailand, India, and Greece. Are we still can go traveling together? Well maybe Russia or The Netherlands will be a nice place. And don’t forget Tibet and Nepal, places where we create our dream to go there together.

This boy. He’s so humble. He said his family not rich, and he don’t want to depends his life from parents. But he already become rich with his knowledge, principle, and dreams. Ah, it makes me so envy and also adores him at the same time, makes me want to know him more. He inspires me, for sure.

This boy. He has bad memories with girl in past. I don’t give a fuck. I also have it, but I don’t want to remember it anymore. I’m with him now, a man who I want to share anything about with. Let the memories go away, this could be a brand new start with him.

This boy. A man who really inspire me. A man who I want to sing and dance with. A man who I want to go around the world together. A man who teach me to see the world through my mind. A man who teach me to learn more and more, and never stop to dream and make them come true.

This boy. I love him.

You know when I told you I loved you? I meant it, and here’s why. You make me feel so euphoric sometimes, your personality and your charm are so cheery. I can't help but to smile and be happy when you're around. I miss you, I miss all those special moments we had.

Hey, my damn-busy-man. I know you'll read this. Good luck for your final exams. I know you can beat them. I miss you so much. Hope we can meet and talk again soon.

Lots of love,

-jeanu-

Kartini's Day Gift

I just told my Indian boy, Govind, that today we celebrate Kartini's Day, an Indonesian historical woman's figure. How she became inspiration for all Indonesian women and how she struggled for woman's emansipation. Then he made a poem for me:

you are the one whom i feel here

you are the one whom i see everywhere

you are the one who makes me sing

you are the one who gives me wing

you are the one who comes in my dream

you are the one like my ice-cream

that's what i want to say

that you are the one whom i pray

Well it maybe just a general poem, but it feel very special for me. Knowing that there's someone who can offer such words to me, which the unique thing is he's an Indian who never know before about Kartini. For a moment I feel honored and proud as a woman who respected and admired by a man, no matter how much he knows the meaning of Kartini' Day, or how deep his feelings to me. He tried, and he did it.

The Guy I Was With

Short hair. Childish face. Drop dead tees. Skinny jeans. Vans shoes. Silver car. Black backpack. Black coffee. Red Marlboro. Guinness beer. Scream. Laughing out loud. Metal music. Superman. Mario Bros. Capoeira. Oliver Sykes. Paniki Family. “Good morning” text. Adore another girl.

And I leave him.

The end.

broke up.

Detik di saat saya menge-post blog ini saya sudah resmi 2 hari menjomblo. Yes, I’ve broke up with him. Bagi teman-teman yang mengenal dan mengetahui bagaimana hubungan kami berdua mungkin ini adalah hal yang cukup disayangkan, melihat bagaimana saya dan dia sangat akrab dan betapa hubungan kami berdua yang walaupun tidak romantis tapi dijalani dengan sangat seru akhirnya harus berakhir dengan masalah yang sama seperti 5 tahun lalu kami berpacaran.

Saya sendiri sebenarnya tidak mau hal ini terjadi. Rasanya sangat disayangkan, setelah semua yang sudah saya alami dan jalani bersama dia, dan bagaimana kami membangun kembali hubungan agar lebih baik dari sebelumnya, bagaimana kami membuat mimpi dan liburan impian bersama, yang selama hampir setahun (bulan depan hubungan kami genap setahun) akhirnya berakhir lagi dengan hal sama. Tapi yah, mau diapa lagi. Sepertinya saya dan dia masih belum berubah setelah 5 tahun. Dia masih dengan kecerobohan dan sifatnya yang tidak konsisten, dan saya masih dengan cemburu dan ego tinggi, ditambah lagi dengan ketakutan akan kehancuran hubungan kami sebelumnya yang kini terjadi kembali. Namun saya rasa mungkin perasaan saya ini masih cukup rasional mengingat bagaimana dulu hati saya tersakiti karena perbuatan dia dan sekarang mungkin dia melakukan serta saya merasakan hal yang sama. And we can’t lie, we’re hurt by each other.

Well, bagaimanapun saya harus menjalani keputusan ini dengan tenang dan tanpa beban. Toh, yang kekeuh untuk mengakhiri hubungan ini adalah saya. Mudah-mudahan ini adalah keputusan yang terbaik. Setidaknya dengan keadaan hubungan kami yang sudah berakhir dan keadaan kami yang terpisah oleh jarak satu sama lain, mungkin bisa menjadi suatu alasan untuk mengintrospeksi diri. Menyadari kesalahan dan kekurangan satu sama lain, serta memikirkan lebih dalam bagaimana hubungan ini seharusnya dijalani dengan lebih dewasa dan belajar menghargai ego satu sama lain.

It’s not so bad after all. Setidaknya nilai positif yang bisa diambil dari keputusan saya ini adalah satu lagi beban yang lepas dari pikiran saya. Saya bisa menghabiskan waktu lebih banyak dengan teman-teman saya, melakukan hal pribadi yang saya senangi, lebih serius dalam pekerjaan, dan belajar memperbaiki diri saya secara pribadi. Memperbaiki ibadah, belajar lebih dewasa, hingga merencakan liburan impian saya sepulang dari Sorowako. Menjadi bebas tanpa harus merasa terkurung dalam sangkar cinta. Dan dengan teman-teman saya yang selalu setia menemani dan menghibur, tidak ada alasan untuk merasa ini keputusan yang salah dan menangisinya.

Jadi, kalau ada yang bilang, “Balikan aja sama dia. Kalian berdua cocok sekali”, maka saya akan menjawab, “Ya, kami cocok, itu sebabnya kami kurang menghargai perbedaan yang ada. Mungkin kalau dia sudah bisa meyakinkan hati saya dan kami berdua sudah bisa lebih dewasa dalam hubungan ini. Mungkin, suatu saat nanti entah kapan. Mungkin…”.

Have You Ever Bumped Into Your Ex ?

The one you fell in love with ?  The one who made you the happiest & cried the hardest ? The one that made you feel like you were the most special thing on Earth ? Once you see that person, you either look down on the ground while your bodies pass one another, you look at them straight in the eye with a smile that may seem like you’re OK, or you go up to them and give them a hug you’d never let go.  It’s hard to see that person with someone else.  You start to think that they’re better off without you, while you feel like a fool who can’t move on.  Just a glimpse of that person, your mind is filled with memories you guys share.  From your first date, your first hug, your first kiss, to your last.  Nothing can erase the memories you had with each other.  You simply can’t let go of feelings & emotions towards someone like that.  It takes time.  But, even with time, there will still be a piece of you that loves that person.

This.

Ik Mis Je Zo Verdomd Veel! *

I miss him so damn much.

This is the fourth day he left Makassar to make him new diver's license card which has missing. Well, it because his wallet has missing when he picked me up at the mall last Sunday. And so far he don't return yet.

Okay, maybe this is not our first time separated by distance for a long time. Previously he had left the city for several days while attending his cousin's wedding party in Malino. I even left him for about 3 weeks when I spent my new year holiday abroad in Malaysia and Singapore. It felt very difficult at that time, because it was in a different country and difficult access to the internet so I couldn't call him as usual. Well, the time it seemed I really miss him like crazy! I can't imagine if I had graduated Coops Inco and I must move to Soroako for about 3 months, I might die because I'm "too" miss him want to see him.

Well, at least he's back tomorrow here. I can't wait to meet him again and spend time with him. I can't wait to kiss him again, run my fingers through his hair, look into his eyes, or just feel him.


Come back soon, boyfie!

ari and his weird attitude

*i miss you so damn much 

When Selfih and Jealous Could Broke Your Heart, or Worse, Your Hands

Well, it's already past midnight. In this condition, my eyes still awake, something that rarely happens on Wednesday. And I'm really tired all because my all housework and I must teach for 5 hours. Usually at times like this my eyes are very sleepy and can't do anything else. Not infrequently I plan to learn the Dutch language TOEFL has canceled due because I really tired. Sleep, the best thing and the only thing I can do.

But tonight is different. Though I don't drink coffee all day or take a nap. Drinking beer, let alone.

What makes tonight different is because I had a big fight with my boyfriend. Yes, a big fight, so great as can cut my hand and be a victim of my knife that I gave to him, a souvenir from a holiday yesterday. I'm not trying to kill myself, it's just both of us were really out of control and so crazy, and think that a very sharp knife was only regarded as a rubber eraser. Although previously I also had a big fight with my ex-boyfriends, but never until this bad, and I slapped him, something I had never done before, and one of us have hurt (correction, he was also injured on her lips because I slap). It's crazy, really crazy.

Finally I asked myself, is this should I undergo a relationship? And I always hope my relationship with him could be lived with maturation and I never imagined we would fight like this. The worst thing we fight over because too general reasons: selfish and jealous. Suddenly I felt as if my self is not useful. At the age of 20 years I have had many previous dating experiences beforen and still I fight with my boyfriend because the same thing. So what's the point I always quasi-adult and give advice on love to my friends if I solve mine was not in maturation? In fact must be resolved with a slap and blood? How bastard me!

And should I slap him? One thing I really, really hate to do. Maybe because I grew up with a slap. Whether it's from dad, mom, or from my seniors, I hate being slapped, and I've promised not to slap anyone. But it turns out I slapped my boyfriend tonight. Then I suddenly remembered my parents, who divorced because of domestic violence. I hate it. But what's the difference between me with my parents if I was also persecuted the people I love? Why do I then become the person with bad attitude? Even if we were destined, whether this will still happen until we get married later?

Well, maybe we were wrong, and I was really wrong. I was wrong in taking attitudes and decisions in this relationship. Perhaps I still have to learn, to know how he is, his world, as well as his attitudes and his ways of thinking. I'm aware, we're both from different worlds. But hey, even Cathy Sharon and Ridho Roma comes from a really different world, right? So, who says we can't try to make a good relations?

It's also not the last argument. Even if we both are paired, it's just a small problem from more problems we would face later. And though our world is different, it doesn't mean we can't understand each other. And I will learn from this mistake, although it may take a little longer. If I really truly love him, someday I can certainly accept and understand him completely and the way he is.

Slow, but sure.

 

This is my hand was hurt last night

 

It became worse and can't stop bleeding. If this won't better until tomorrow, 

I'll take it to the doctor for stitches