Need A Repair

Say hello to this messy-shitty-life!

Okay, so maybe it’s quite difficult to face this May than I think before. I don't know, they said things like going perfectly fine for me, but in contrary, I feel so bad, wasted, emptiness. I laughed a lot, but cried much more. I enjoyed my day, but cursed most of my time.

Well I'm fully thankful for you God, for gave me these great family and wonderful friends. But there's a missing part, for God's sake I don’t know what it is. It’s like there's an empty feeling that appeared even when I'm in a crowded place.

I can say I hate it, but I can't deny that nothing's happened. And today is my lowest points, and I'm weak, sick, and tired because of them all.

First problem: I feel so bored, even lots of money can’t bring happiness to me. I really want to go traveling somewhere and find new experiences, and escape myself from this activity. Too bad I can’t go anywhere now.

Second problem: I want graduate from college sooner and follow my family move to Bandung and start my new life there and forget all my bad memories in here. I can’t stand it, I hate being in this place and know what I don’t want to know. They started to disturb my life and I’m scared with it!

Third problem: I always in love love love fucking love, and I’m getting more confused with my own feeling. He lost my highest respect, sorry boy but you hurt me, you know I tried to stay with you, but what you have done?

And I guess there’re still a lot of problems, but truthfully I can't tell anymore to anyone.

I hate my deadline. Hate the internet. Hate the crowds. Hate my money. Hate itineraries.

Hate myself most.

You Are My Everything

Today I suddenly remembered this song. It’s ‘You Are My Everything’, was sang by Glenn Fredly for OST. Cinta Silver, an Indonesian movie which was released in around 2005. This song inspired me because today I’ve promised to someone that I’ll never ever leave him and I’ll always love him, because both of us hate separation and that’s what we have to face now. It plays around my head all day long and I can’t stop to sing it on my mind. Sounds groovy, I like the video clips, and the lyrics is like what I feel now.

Cruising when the sun goes down
Across the sea
Searching for, something inside of me

I would find all the lost pieces
Hardly feel, deep and real
I was blinded now I see

Hey hey hey you're the one
Hey hey hey you're the one
Hey hey hey I can't live without you

Take me to your place
Where our hearts belong together
I will follow you
You're the reason that I breathe

I'll come running to you
Fill me with your love forever
I'll promise you one thing
That I would never let you go
'Cause you are my everything

You're the one, you're my inspiration
You're the one, kiss, you're the one
You're the light that would keep me safe and warm
You're the one, kiss, you're the one

Like the sun goes down, coming from above all
To the deepest ocean and highest mountain
Deep and real deep I can see now

 

 

*Ah my damn-busy-man, I miss you so-damn-much!

Coffee

We sit under the same sky, looking at the same star, sharing a cup of coffee from your mouth to mine.

“Too sweet” you say softly, mentioning about the coffee. I touch your lips and taste it, shake my head, looking so confused.

“But it’s bitter, dear…”

Then I’m babbling around, telling you I should have bought a cup of hot chocolate instead of this, or at least add some sugar cubes, milk, cream, whatever.

“I don’t wanna talk about coffee anymore”.

I nod.

Keeping my thoughts inside, trying to disregard my words,

Things I really want to share with you, day after day.

So I pull your sweater, you take my hand and put it inside your pocket.

I’m wishing secretly you’ll hold my hand as long as it’s still inside your sweater’s pocket, but you’re too busy with your own cell phone.

The world you never let me in, or even touch the key.

I want you to look me in the eye, tell me we’re still having ‘that’ connection, or simply whisper.

“I understand about your obsession to around the world, be a certified diver, and take picture with 1000 wonders you’re trying to collect, and I’ll take you as you are by the way”.

Someday, can we both at least agree that there’s nothing wrong with our coffee?

Someday, is there nothing wrong with the weather, or your sweater, or your cell phone?

Someday, could the kisses turn out greater, neither without sugar nor the creamer?

Bhinneka Tunggal Ika

We’ll never realize how great our country and nation until we’re in another country, or see how other people from different country or nation admire and appreciate it. And that’s what I feel after talked with my friend, Carolina Duca.

Caro is an Argentinean, 22 years old, a girl with big passion of about culture and nature. She always so interested to know everything about world and history. At her college she took some subjects, such as universal geography, universal history and history of the cultures. We talked last Sunday, on our lazy day because at that time we didn’t do anything.

Then suddenly she smiled and said, “Bhinneka Tunggal Ika”. Gosh, it made me so surprised, how come she knew that phrase, Indonesian phrase? But her answer more surprised to me, “Because I like that phrase, I really do. I think it’s an example for the rest of the world, because there so much different people in your country. Religious, languages, as you used to be a colony, but in the end you always together as a nation. You say Bhinneka Tunggal Ika, that’s excellent”.

Yeah, Indonesia is a beautiful country. We may don’t have great MRT, wonderful winter, or advance animation effect on movie. But we still have lots of great culture, uniqueness dialect and vernacular, delicious local food, and wonderful tourism place. And there’s no other country has all of it, completely. Is it still not enough to show how great us?

Yeah, Indonesian is still a great nation. No matter how bad news in the media, no matter how the philosophy gives us many problems about that. That’s the point. That’s it. New generations are in charge of fix and spreading it. Without that phrase, we’ll never attempt to be as one, as a nation, as Indonesian.

And at this time, for the umpteenth time, no matter people think I’m mulatto, no matter my name isn’t sounds like Indonesian, I don’t give a damn. I’m Indonesian, and I love it is in my blood. I’m proud of it.

Bhinneka Tunggal Ika. Different, but same, as one nation.

Indonesia is great, the problem is the citizen.

okay well, so can i start crying now?

All I want is for everything in the right place

so everyone is happy,

is that too much to ask for?

I feel so lonely,

there’s a better place from this
emptiness?

Inspiration From Indian

I have decided to change the name of my blog after I had a conversation with my friend today. He's Calvin, an Indian friend. We talked on Skype this morning. At first I just explained how to go to Komodo Island from Singapore, but then we talked about many things. Lots of things.

It was started from he felt surprised why I can understand Hindi. I told him that I learned from Govind and my other Indian friends. I told him that I speak Indonesian, Bahasa, and Dutch. I also was studying French, Hindi, and Brasilian Portuguese. Then he asked me to teach him some words in Bahasa Indonesia. Yes, we exchange our languages, and it’s a good this to improve our own knowledge about languages.

Then we talked a lot about traveling. How many places we’ve been, and where we’ll going to. Just like me, he also wanted to travel around Southeast Asia. I told him I plan to Thailand in November to watch the Loy Kra Tumb festival, and he told me that he’ll travel probably in July or October. And we promised when we’re in the same country we can meet.

And this is the important part. I told him about me. How I want to get my master study about Industrial Ecology in Delft, the Netherlands. How I feel so interested and seems like want to learn all the languages ​​in the world, how I can be so crazy with all the things about traveling, how it become my biggest dream, how I always happy to meet people with different culture, how, how, and how.

Suddenly I realize I have many dreams, and many things I’ve learned from my life. I dream to study in the Netherlands, to around the world, to understand all the languages. And I’ve learned a lot from my dream. Learn how to save money to travel, learn languages ​​and other cultures from my international friends, learn to make all my dreams come true. And the best thing is how I learned to love myself. Learn to recognize my fragility, to improve my ability, to appreciate what I have, and most importantly, to not waste every second of my life and use it for something useful.

Well, I think I feel too much, but I don’t give a damn. I'll always dream, and learn to make them come true. Because life just once, and lived is not just to be born, grow, and die.

To Calvin, thanks for the inspiration, anyway ;)

And One More Has Died

Things come, things go, things changed. We won’t know what will happen, what will be God’s plan.

And I don’t know what God's plan for my family. For two months I’m in Sorowako there’re already three of my family has died. First, my grandfather. Second, my aunt's father. And third, today, my uncle who lives in Bandung. We’re not so close, he’s a commanding person, and it makes me a bit reluctant to talk much with him. The news that he died was really shocked me, because I think he’s a healthy person because he just came to Makassar when my grandfather died last month to attended the funeral. But today he followed my grandfather, he died.

And for the third time I also can’t be with them. Today all my family go Bandung to attend the funeral tomorrow. When I was in the wedding party tonight my mother called and told this bad news and said she was on the way to the airport to depart to Bandung. My family in Batam, Jakarta, and Gorontalo also will arrive in Bandung at the latest tomorrow.

And what about me? I'm still here, with my own life and bustle. I’m not the type of person who likes to spend time with my family, I would rather enjoy my own life. But for now, for some reason I really wanted to join them all in Bandung. Either because I miss them all, either because I want to meet my friends there, either because well, I really miss Bandung actually. I just want to be there.

And hopefully his soul could be rest in peace there. Hopefully, my aunt, my cousins Nuni and Kiky, all my family can be strong to face this destiny.

And suddenly I thought, why my family dead one by one? I wonder what God's plans after this? Will one of my family die again? Or whether, after this it will be my turn to die?

And this is why I miss Bandung. I miss my family. I miss being home.

Enable. Integrate. Grow.

So far it’s almost two months I’m in Sorowako and join in this project. I’m very busy now. Sometimes I feel bored, tired, stressed, oppressed, and so on. But I still enjoy it as a good opportunity to get experience and knowledge from this project.

Most of people still don’t knowing, what the company I work now? What projects are running, and what my task in this project? Okay, so this explanation:

Vale is the global leader in iron ore and pellet production. Operating through offices, operations, exploration projects and joint ventures, Vale is the second-largest diversified mining company in the world and the biggest in the America by market capitalization. Headquartered in Brazil, Vale is presents in 38 countries, there’re Angola, Argentina, Australia, Barbados, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, France, Gabon, Guinea, India, Indonesia, Japan, Kazakhstan, Liberia, Malawi, Malaysia, Mongolia, Mozambique, New Caledonia, Norway, Oman, Paraguay, Peru, the Philippines, Singapore, South Africa, South Korea, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, the United Arab Emirates, the United Kingdom, the United States and Zambia, in Addition to Brazil.

The One Vale PTI project will of switches Enterprise Resource Planning system (ERP) from the Ellipse to SAP, a superior system that has changed from Vale's operating standards across the world. PTI has been chosen as the first of Vale's nickel business unit to launch the One Vale program. PTI is proud to be the first Vale Nickel Business Unit to launch the One Vale program. Subsequently We Will serve as a reference point for other nickel Vale business units all over the world.

In this project I work in Training Team of Change Management as a runner. No, I’m not a runner who win a trophy, it’s really not like that. My job is to organize SAP training for Supply and TD (Transportation and Distribution) department, from making training schedules, preparing modules that will be learned during the training, to make sure that trainers and participants are ready to attend the training. Then why I was called as a runner? Well it’s because sometimes I have to move and “run” from one to another room, from one to another building, to make sure that all the training class is okay. Intensive training schedule, long office-work with overtime for sometimes, and obligation to talk with many people teach me to more concentrate, focus, communicate well and professionally (sometimes in English), and to more clever to use Microsoft Excel.

 

So, that's all folks! Although my job makes me so busy and sometimes boring, at least there’re more benefits that I get. Being here, met great people from different cultures and countries feels like this is the greatest opportunity that I can get this year until today. This experience gave me motivation to be more diligent in learning about anything and improve my skill in order to get a better career in the future.

I think I can’t wait the time to go home, finish from college, graduate, and get good jobs and careers later. I'll be a successful person. I believe that.

*one vale’s slogan

11

Eleven has never been a special number for me. I never did, until now. Until I’ve got two great things today. If it’s like math, so the formula is:

11 => 1 +1 = 2

The first '1 ':
Finally I watched Avril Lavigne concert! You know what, it's a big WOW! After all my life (since I was in junior high school) I adore her, like the songs and the way she dressed, finally tonight I’ve watched her live concert in Jakarta. Yeah, I really adore her the most.
But that’s not the reason why I’m happy. I’m happy because I was watching this concert with my own money. By my first salary. It felt so glad to enjoy something fun with my own money that I’ve got from my own effort to work. And I feel so proud with it.

The second '1 ':
After almost a week not communicated because both of us are busy, Govind finally contacted me today and bring a good news. He’s not only Govind anymore. Now he's Er. Govind! Yep, today he has completed his examination and will be graduating from college at the end of this month. I feel so glad because he’ll be an engineer and if I also graduate next year we’ll have the same degree. Er. Govind and Ir. Jeanne. I like the way it looks, we're an engineer couple. That would be so great for sure!
But that’s not the reason why I’m happy. He’ll finish this project, and joined at the company as soon as possible. And he promised me, he’ll visit Indonesia in November. It’s good to see him again, I already made a vacation plan with him on my mind. Perhaps Bali and Lombok will be a beautiful place. I can’t wait that time!

Conclusion:
'One' is a good number. If there are two 'One', it will be so awesome!

You know when I told you I loved you? I meant it, and here’s why. You make me feel so euphoric sometimes, your personality and your charm are so cheery. I can't help but to smile and be happy when you're around. I miss you, I miss all those special moments we had.

The Day I Die

Sometimes I think and talk about death.

When will I die?

On July? Forty years later? Next two weeks? Tomorrow? Or maybe, tonight?

Why do I die?
Accident? Incurable cancer? Bleeding during childbirth? Murdered? Or even, kill myself?

Where will I die?

In hospital? In my home? In ambulance, on the way to hospital? Somewhere, not in my hometown? In Atlanta?

Who will come to my funeral?

All my family? My schoolmates? My Jerry friend? My ex-boyfriend? Will it, no one?

How do I die?

Is it hurt? Is it cold? Will I cry? Will I scream? Or it just feels like sleep? Like hibernate?

Then you know what?

Death is not always about die. Mostly people said, “He/She is gone”, but you actually just move, or back. Moslem people said, “Back to Rahmatullah”. You don’t have to worry about it will hurt, is a beautiful moment that you’ll meet God, isn’t it?

We’ll not die. We’re move to another place, move to another realm. Closer, back to God. Ready or not.

Di Depan Tuhan

Hari ini saya seperti merasakan indahnya berdialog dengan Tuhan. Dengan kecepatan bicara saya yang di atas rata-rata, entah bagaimana Ia selalu mendengarkan.

Saya menceritakan tentang keinginan saya, mimpi saya untuk melanjutkan kuliah di Delft di bidang Industrial Ecology, mimpi saya untuk menjadi traveler dan mengunjungi Yunani, mimpi saya untuk menjadi seorang ibu yang down-to-earth. Ia tidak tertawa, Ia terus menyimak saya, lalu pada akhirnya Ia berkata, “Kamu pasti bisa”.

Saya kembali bercerita, tentang hati saya yang sungguh sedang terluka, “Orang ini Tuhan, yang membuat airmata saya berlinangan, yang membuat saya tidak ingin melihat dan mengenalnya lagi, yang membuat saya kehilangan akal pikiran dan tidak bisa mengendalikan ego”. Tuhan terdiam, membuat saya segan, maka saya berhenti mengeluh.

Kemudian saya kembali bertutur, tentang pikiran saya yang mudah melantur, tentang bahasa Belanda saya yang semakin hari semakin pasif, tentang kerinduan saya pada ayah saya, tentang kerinduan saya pada Tuhan.

Saya berjanji dengan sepenuh hati, mulai hari ini saya akan rutin bercerita 5 kali sehari.

Hey, my damn-busy-man. I know you'll read this. Good luck for your final exams. I know you can beat them. I miss you so much. Hope we can meet and talk again soon.

Lots of love,

-jeanu-

Merry May, Mayday Monday!

Two words that can represent my May: celebration and relief. In this month I’ll say ‘congratulation’ to many people, from birthday to graduation, and at the same time it seems I need a lot of help, from help to handle training schedule which in progress now, to help for cheer up my heart .

Merry
My COOPS friend, Azwar, opened this month with his birthday. We celebrated with rafting to Nuha Village, about 7 km from Matano Lake, played kayak, and closed with him treated us meatballs.

Damn unlucky 13 for hoodoo Dewanti. As a 'little kid' who always being bullied (kidding, we ‘bully’ her because she’s funny and resigned), she seems to be ready to 'kill' her with dozens of ignorance from all on her birthday. Don’t worry dude, we do it because we all love you.

At the end of May, my bestfriend, Lala, also has a birthday. Unfortunately I can’t be there to celebrate it with. But I promise when I’m back I’ll give her favorite gift, Hello Kitty.Not just birthdays, there’re graduations this month. The first one happened today. Give your CONGRATZ to Pesot! Congratulations for his graduation and became a Bachelor of Economics. Hope he can gets good job and career as soon as possible. I'm happy with it.

The most special I dedicate to my lovely Govind Bisht. We’re not communicated as much as usual because he’s so busy preparing for the exam that will be started from tomorrow for 1 week. After that he’ll be graduating from college at the end of this month. Good luck for you baby, hope everything will be okay and can realize your dream to have a successful career and move to USA. My pray always with you, you can do it, dude. Beat it!

Mayday

Starting from Monday, I became a damn-busy-girl because the training is in progress. My office-hours become longer, from 7 AM to 6 PM. And I'm going to overtime every day until mid-June. It's already entering the peak phase of my job. Sometimes I feel tired and fed up with all of it, I think I need other people to help me solve all these problems. But I realized that this is my choice and what I’m here for. Of course, one thing I’ll always do: STRUGGLE! Yeah, I'm a strong girl, and I’m sure I can face all these problems and pressures, including this job. I believe I can!

This last point may sounds very whiny and different from my determination to face the job in the office, but this is it. After all the trouble of love and heartache, I need someone. Not necessarily a boyfriend, but a friend who always listen all my problem and what I feel, and makes me happy again. Someone who can heal the pain and fill my day. Luckly I have Govind who always beside me. Well maybe you've tired of hearing me praise him, but I swear, he really makes cheerful and even, in love with him. And I really enjoy this feeling.

Watch out May, I'll beat you!

Hey You

Yes, you.

Stop be unhappy with yourself. You’re perfect. Stop wishing you looked like someone else or wishing people liked you as much as they like someone else. Stop trying to get attention from those who hurt you. Stop hating your body, your face, your personality, your quirks.

Love them. Without those things you wouldn’t be you. And why would you want to be anyone else? Be confident with who you are.

Smile. It’ll draw people in. If anyone hates  on you because you’re happy with yourself then you stick your middle finger in the air and say screw it.

My happiness won’t depend on others anymore. I’m happy because I love who I am. I love my flaws. I love my imperfections. They make me ME.

And ‘me’ is pretty amazing.